I Always had the Urge to Escape. One day I just looked and Found I was Gone…
So where did I GO? What on earth Happened?
Although I’ve never mentioned it since, (in Two Years?!!) It’s no secret. It started with wrist and hand pains: RSI, I shrugged. But from a tiny fissure, A giant cavern grew. This glitch in a seemingly small part of my body, heralded a system-wide fault, which fast overwhelmed every atom of my being. Cue physical breakdowns, rounds of diagnostic failures, stress, tears and questions: WHY? WHY? WHY? (Yes, I played with all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance..)
But, Sorry Doc, I don’t believe anything is ever just “Bad Luck”. Not while I have a soul. Yes, I know, cells mutate, but what’s the plan?
No this isn’t a religious thing. Since I was three years of age, I Always KNEW there was a Meaning to everything – if only I could get at it. Grrrr.. My little fingers were always busy: prying open every book in the house, child-friendly or no, playing with my rock collection, drawing pictures of every known and unknown universe and making things. Plus ça change…
Ive tried on all sorts of New Age constructs for size: my current life didn’t fit me/ I wasn’t happy in my skin/ It was just time for change/I’m meant for something (or someone!) better/Step AWAY from the computer!/I worked too hard: It was time to smell the roses… Yada, yada… When it became clear this stuff was here to stay, endless rounds of “treatment” began, a short timeline was proclaimed, and pretty fast WE became ME, and I was relearning myself, and navigating my New Self alone, armed with an unusual blood disease so rare, I’m lowkey considering playing the lottery). To everyone who whines about being forced to come to terms with themselves in lockdown, I gently suggest: “y’all don’t know sh*t.”
On another front, I’ve dived deep into the Hallyu Wave, after getting hooked on the initial gateway drug of KDrama (“Memories of The Alhambra”: Hyun Bin and a violent, medieval VR game so pervasive it takes over much of Southern Spain – what’s not to love?!), and learned to embody the phrase every good Kpop devotee has engraved on the tip of their tongue:
When I began the digital love-letter to my imaginary friend I call Dear Velvet, I purposely wanted to avoid anything too personal or the intimate details many bloggers reveal. It was to be about art, beauty and inspiration. But those things grow in darkness too. I began diary keeping when very young and kept one intermittently, but they always ended on the fire: way too personal. For DV, I wasn’t even sure if these details would be palatable to others, but somebody’s been reading this all this time, or the site would’ve collapsed. Thank you, whoever you are!
This truth is for you.
Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all.If I had not some strength of will I would make a first class drunkard.– Ernest Shackleton.
NO, I don’t even drink at all, but have decided to read South, by Shackleton on Audiobook; to finally put the puny “2018, The Year Of Hospital” and “2020, The Year of Isolation” into some perspective. There’ll be loads more pretty dresses, rocking artists and veggie recipes, promise.Hello Again, Dear